“Be sure to include your certified proof of identity. This is required by law to ensure your identity is protected. It is important you read page 2 of the form carefully, and follow the instructions.” “JOSEF K had been informed by telephone that a short hearing in his affair would take place the next Sunday.”* For each of my funds I now face a threepage form which goes by the pithy title of “Completing the request to transfer whole balance of superannuation benefits between funds form”. It’s barely 4pm, and I need a stiff Scotch with G&T chaser. The first hurdle is that, before completing this form, I have to “check that the fund you are transferring your benefits TO can accept this transfer”. So it’s back to MediaSuper we go.

Again, nothing on its home page directs me to the simple question: how do I transfer my bits’n’pieces to MediaSuper? This is annoying to say the least, because journalists have always been notorious for changing jobs and ending up old, poor and sozzled. So, I opt for the Forms section. Eeee-aaaah, there’s 12 forms to choose from. I lucky-dip into Rollover. Bingo. This time it’s a four-page form which the applicant MUST complete in BLACK PEN and CAPITAL LETTERS [sic]. Guards: “It has to be a black jacket.” Joseph K: “But it isn’t the main hearing yet.” Guards: “It has to be a black jacket.” Josef K: “That’s fine by me if it’ll hurry things up.”* I don’t have a black pen, so I schlepp off to the newsagent, but otherwise it’s looking good. This form is the one “if you wish to transfer all or part of your superannuation balances from another superannuation fund to your MediaSuper account”. A separate form must be completed for each balance you wish to transfer, but at least MediaSuper “does not charge a fee for transfers”.

But, and this one’s a biggie, “please note that your current superannuation fund may require additional information or proof of identity [POI] requirements if you are applying for a partial transfer only”. I look askance at the brochure from the Howard Government which turned up in my ‘super drawer’ – the one chirping at me about my supposed choice of fund. K Rudd & Co really ought to try consolidating their super funds on their next team-building weekend. Again, it’s only 4pm, but I already doubt that many people would ‘choose’ to complete the process of changing their super funds. As I toss and turn to sleep, I wonder if super funds really want to let go of my money. I suspect that the woodchipping and printing industries have a vested interest in perpetuating the myth of choice. “THE last thing [they] would want to do would be to bring about any improvements … The only correct approach was to accept things as they were.”*