DAY 2 While scratching through a yellowing pile of member statements, I find some from SuperTrace. I didn’t remember this one. Feeling like Little Jack Horner who sat in his corner. But, I haven’t pulled out a plum … just another nightmare. For the first time in years, I read the very, very, very small print. I discover that SuperTrace [run by the Commonwealth Bank and Colonial Mutual], is an ERF [Eligible Rollover Fund]. I phone the 1300 number and listen to 20 minutes of Kenny G mangling the theme from ‘St Elmo’s Fire’. [Note to super funds’ call centres: is this part of the plot to keep my money? I’ll never try to switch funds again. I promise.] The call centre’s disembodied voice assures me that “your call is progressing in the queue”, as if saying it will make it so. “WHAT kind of release [do] you want … genuine acquittal, apparent acquittal, or protraction of the proceedings.”* Finally, a human comes on and suggests I enter another labyrinth of online forms. Can’t you just mail the forms to me? That could take up to two weeks. Me (unimpressed): “Two weeks.” Jason: “Yes, two weeks.” Me: “Why?” Jason: “Don’t know.” Me: “Could I speak with your supervisor?” Jason: “They won’t know either.” Me: “Well, yes, but could I speak with a supervisor.” I’m put on hold.

Again. More Kenny G mangles St Elmo’s Fire. The supervisor comes on the line. Lurlene: “Requests for forms are processed once a week, so if you miss the processing day, then you’ll receive the form in another 10 days.” Me: “But why don’t you just hit Ctrl + P and post it from your office?” Lurlene: “No, it goes through our mailing house,” Me: “Who’s paying for that?” Lurlene: “Oh, er, um. That’s a business decision.” Me: “Yes, but someone’s paying for you to use a mailing house, and that money’s coming from customers.” Lurlene: “Oh, er, um. That’s a business decision.” “THE trial has to be kept going round and round in the little circle to which it is restricted … It’s all just for show.”* I retreat. It’s 3.30pm. Too early for a Scotch, I opt for a strong herbal tea. While on hold for what seemed like two hours, I sorted more of the super paperwork that I’ve been chucking in the “W” for Way Too Hard file for the past 10 years. Ye gods, I’m in ANOTHER super fund. That’s four. I’ve unearthed UniSuper. I phone the members’ hotline. Recorded message: