“Thanks for calling UniSuper. Our office is closed due to an emergency situation.” It’s 3.25pm on Thursday 26 November. They’ve probably gone into shutdown mode, knowing I’m on the warpath. [UniSuper’s head of marketing, Paul Murphy, subsequently informed us that a thunderstorm in the area had temporarily knocked out the phones. He conceded this probably didn’t qualify as an ‘emergency’ situation and said the default message would be reviewed.] Meanwhile, a colleague mentions SuperRatings. I sign on, the $79 fee being a small price for the potential restoration of my sanity. SuperSavvy’s Top 10 Insurance comparison chart shows me that MediaSuper’s my best bet. In the fees’ section, none of my funds [four at last count] rate a mention. Not good. In the Ratings & Awards section, MediaSuper scored a Platinum gong, and UniSuper collected three: Platinum, Infinity, and 5-Year Platinum.

DAY 3 Nightmares of being ERF-ed and lost in SuperLand. I wake and totter into work. I print MediaSuper’s Roll Over Your Super Form. I have to complete a separate form for each balance I want to transfer. First, find the black pen. Hmmm … As I scratch through another pile, I discover that a former employer hasn’t sent contributions to REST, which advises me that I have to contact the Australian Tax Office to chase the money. Ah, but that’s another story for another edition. I phone MediaSuper. Darlene is extremely helpful. I’m suspicious. It’s too easy. Yes, I must send a separate Roll Over Your Super Form for each fund from which I wish to exit. But no, I need one certified copy only of my driver’s licence. One copy only. Just my driver’s licence. It’s too easy. Now I’m really suspicious. I ask Darlene again. And again. She must think I’m really, really slow. MediaSuper’s form asks for the “from” fund’s Superannuation Product Identification Number [SPIN] number.

Can’t find it on SuperTrace’s paperwork, which puts me in something of a spin. The form then asks for the name of the previous employer that contributed to the fund. How the hell should I know? That’s why my cash has been ERFed into SuperTrace. The form commands that a JP witness my signature. Impossible to find a JP because the conditions are so onerous that most have bailed out. I finally find a JP at the local court. I’m told that they attend for two hours only on a Wednesday, but no-one’s there. The counter staff wonder if it’s their day off to attend a training session. I go to the post office where, it being a mere two months before Christmas, the queue is out the door. Half an hour later, I slump over the counter, asking Charlene to certify the photocopies of my driver’s licence. Charlene: “We don’t do that. You have to get a Supreme Court judge.” I nearly burst into tears. I can’t take any more of this.